I could explain my theories as to why, but Ill leave that for another post! but these people I was meeting for the first time ABSOLUTELY INSISTED on fixing everything and they did it mighty fast too! She never acknowledges the elements of ADHD that affect the relationship. You can learn in depth about how this happens and what might cause it in my book: Other of my blog posts touch on this from different angles. Since I was the one who ended our relationship, then he will just accept it. But you knew that. He rented an apartment so I could have better access to treatment. I thought that, if I create a safe, loving environment for him in our relationship, it would become easier for him to be present with me, and also to address his challenges. Supporting and encouraging one another. Hes smart, funny, kind, and cute. How on earth could it make sense to prioritize not seeing a friend for over six months he wasnt terribly close to as opposed to taking a trip with your wife to confront her childhood abusers? I went into my new relationship still accustomed to being a caretaker so when my husband didnt act responsibly Id just take care of it. I hope you come to a reckoning and that life gets better for you soon. I was already being cautious and really using it as a mobility aid and between the injury and diagnosis, and during that time I built up a solid track record that was indisputable. You can also use the online chat. How refreshing that this article did not first say the nagging partner. So he lied, for 3 weeks. It set up a bad habit first thing and it worked until I just got too tired to do it anymore. I heard it happen, and simultaneously clocked him wincing at my response. This essay is written by a woman in a dual-ADHD marriage. She literally asked me if I think she can make me ok with living this way and then everything would be fine! My husband doesnt ask me how Im doing and then I feel stupid when I have to pipe up and tell him, Im too weak to do this or that or that I cannot walk as fast as him. Thats it. She feels that we individually work and Its potentially as meaningless to read anything personal into it, as it is getting offended by the sound of a cog turning in a machine. I am placing a hefty bet that she is taking Adderall. It is not a happy arrangement and Im currently seeking help for my codependency/ADHD to get better for myself and family. I encourage you to read my first book and forget most of the SEOd-to-death-with-keywords you read online about ADHD and relationships. The answer is.they need their OWN large room!!! I often times, lately, felt like I didnt matter to him and he didnt care about me. Gina Pera is an internationally recognized author, speaker, and educator on Adult ADHD, especially as it can affect relationships. What you describe typically does not end well on its own. If I was giving advice to my younger self, I would say Go! Or maybe, as with many other people in similar situations, you are the frog in the pot.. I now say things out loud over and over until the information goes in, with my partner, and this signals to him that ive heard and am attempting to process. Support for the ADHD Partner. Chronic irresponsibility is abuse, regardless if they have a note from their doctor. 24. He has to do work on himself or it will always remain the same because no matter what I do, it is literally just me doing and that is not a team. I find your story heartbreaking. This is a great post and one that I can really relate in both ways ; as someone with ADD and having a partner with ADHD. If thats the case, you have a roe to hoe there with ADHD medication guidance and options, unfortunately. Just because he has blocked you doesn't mean you should follow suit. What I have done is also wait and not paying a lot of attention to the initial reaction as you saying you are sick is a problem for me and then he would slowly land into reality. Ignoring the pain of a breakup doesn't make it magically go away. ALSO: I am entirely self-funded, with no outside support of any kind, including pharmaceutical industry. He was in the bathroom. Yes, maybe both. Consider enrolling in my new courses one provides a foundational education, and the next details how to optimize ADHD-related sleep issues and medication. Sometimes, even suggesting I think you have ADHD feels like criticism. He can be amazing but all the bad stuff is undoing the good and he doesnt ever see it. Youve heard that ADHD treatment can improve functioning. Hes not an impulsive spender, but he wont look at his finances, so winds up setting up everything on autopay and just blindly wanders about with his debit card, often overdrafting by small amounts. Does that hold true in ADHD? Imagine what life would be without the constant sabotage, however unintentional. I finally got the clarity that MY emotional needs were important even in the face of his logic. My biggest challenge as a professional who is often addicted to work is managing my home life, eating correctly, sleeping correctly. She put her emotions on me and expected me to carry her, her job was to earn a paycheck and pay bills and thats all she was interested in doing. Shes the self-sufficient type. Or, worse, he heard it and didnt want to interrupt his work. It blows my mind, my heart broke. But damn, I might have actually broken something. But how were you supposed to know that? Why should I accept this unfair work load and forced stress that impacts my MS which forces me to find ways to overcome MS challenges more so to be able to work harder to maintain our family and home?! Dont schedule My time! I was told many years ago. It was only the third or fourth consumer book about Adult ADHD, published in 2008. Then theres interrupting conversations and being impulsive which creates more things for me to navigate!!! Like it was a big joke. I am exhausted! The nature of this is that I need a well-organized environment with as few visual distractions as possible. Goat (my husbands nickname) accompanied me to the appointment. I was in shock and panic. Period. But I do know now that this emotionally abusive relationship Im in is not right for me and not right our boy and I certainly dont deserve it. Once home, I saw he had dutifully set up my bedstead with a land-line phone and his cell phone. Including a chapter called When the Wrong Therapy Is Worse Than No Therapy. I also discovered that those psychological disorders influence AD/HD. In my book, I talk about stimulant medication in some ways being a WD-40 for the brain; it can help lubricate the gears for making transitions more easily. You are in a seriously unsustainable situation. They might think they are strong enough, in the beginning. 3. This is so helpful as my marriage is quickly unraveling. Youll find the range of degrees and ways in which ADHD can affect the adults who have it and their loved ones. I was wondering how everyone that is non ADHD deals with the lying and the blame from the ADHD partner? I lost my ability to organize my environment around me due to an injury. How do you know if youre fooling yourself, knowing the difference between your spouse being. When am I being too supportive? And I behaved much, much more demandingly. Let me say that we have a very good relationship and well continue to work on it till the end. My ex boyfriend called me today, confessing to cheating on me with another woman (who i likely know) at a party 3 weeks ago. Why am I telling you all this? https://adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/. I met my husband through an online dating site, and right on his profile he stated amidst all the cute wit that he probably had ADHD or some such condition that rendered him a man-child. Yes, I did look through his phone, and yes, I know its a breach of privacy. I do not feel that way, but I did remind him of the dealbreaker conversation, and said that I needed a timeline of when he could go to counseling, and whether or not he would consider taking medication, since his behavior has ruined most all of his relationships. 1. Active listening. They eventually break up, and then make-up, and then break up. I think the Concerta pooped out right after the second paragraph. She is unwilling to read ANY resource I present. It might not have been the importance of seeing this friend so much as just needing a break, and maybe he couldnt articulate that.). If your . They insisted on an ambulance, but my husband said, no, thats no problem, Ill take her, and walked me to the car. I considered Driven To Distraction; Saved From Distraction; Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Do I sound hyperbolic? Thanks for taking the time to write your perspective. I know I drove my point home and badgered him, but I . I have told him some of what I found out during my research, but he has expressed no interest in learning more. The best decision might have been to leave. A year ago I came across your Rollercoaster book. This will also give him a chance to consider if he made a mistake. I dont mean it has less value or that these folks are being rude. He would hide in a room and play video games all day or watch anime. I updated my fear scenario around being unable to rely upon him in an emergency. But also, maybe my course would be useful. Thats true for individuals and couples. I happened to be using my iPhone to film my first trip to the train station on a new board for the person who built it. Ive only recently considered that a good portion of our challenges are caused by undiagnosed ADHD. 4. In fact, your advice echoes much of the bad therapy that keeps people stuck. Then I got hit with a tirade about how everything wasnt about me, and he wanted to cut the trip short in order to see his friend, that his needs and his life was important too, that he was exhausted and needed to get away from me, that he was afraid I was using the abuse I went through just to have my way. I met her and was amazed by how well we worked together. Thanks, Rachel. His therapist seems to know nothing about ADHD. You pursued treatment., And, from the sound of it, you . But its also very hard to make happen. In fact, I hold a monthly Zoom group for men with female ADHD partners. I feel the same way toward the folks in my local Adult ADHD group. Bless him. Hed fail my expectationsand his own. I hate when that happens!! How frustrating! I want to share with you what I have learned and what loving someone with ADHD is like: 1. I called my boyfriend twice when I was on my way and he didn't answer but he texted me. Loads of people with mental health conditions are able to enjoy long lasting, fulfilling, happy relationships. I pay for everything and my entire life revolves around taking care of Ezra, I love being around my grandson but I have zero time to take care of me. And what you will have to do is take care of yourself. It might explain some of it but the next step for that person should be addressing it, not ignoring it and inflicting it on others. We just cannot rely on the average therapist or physician. He's very loving when he's with me, I . ADHD symptoms cannot always be overcome by more understanding. I knew how worried and guilty he felt about this, so I expressed a lot of compassion, and tried to reassure him that his friend would understand. I clung to his paragraphs of validation like a lifeline. Just seems like everything he does is some way to make my life more difficult! etc. Wed planned this trip and discussed it at length, and hed been fully engaged and supportive. Weve also had to deal with caring for parents with dementia; its perhaps no wonder that my wife has basically burnt out herself and resorted to self-medication during the pandemic. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. I created a course exactly for people in this situation and for those where the ADHD partner is in denial and many more. My marriage is defined by the parent child dynamic. If he had the tools to CUT A HOLE IN THE FLOOR, he had the tools to cover it up or could get them. But we must be ready to tread the gray area. I understand the inclination to address our own codependent behaviors rather than trying to change our ADHD partners problematic behaviors. But still, they fear that moment when they might be incapacitated and have to rely on their ADHD partner. We must see people diagnosed with ADHD as individuals, not clones. She asked me never to contact her again; after, in an effort to show me far more caring and attentive help than I deserved, she offered to help me clean my apartment and do some meal prep. Career 15 years law enforcement, 25 years military and currently LCSW rural Nevada I get it. The break up came to me out of left field, he never said anything was bothering him or anything. This was a much better outcome than we both might have experienced in years past. He didnt think to come check on me, either.